


Dream coming true

by Cala



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-17
Updated: 2010-04-17
Packaged: 2017-10-09 00:12:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/80917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cala/pseuds/Cala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The relationship between Giles and Xander post Chosen. Pain, emotional chaos and lack of communication.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dream coming true

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: For The No One Knows Giles/Xander Song-Ficathon  
> A/N: My song was Tim Rushlow's "I Can't Be Your Friend Anymore", but believe me it turned out to be just a small inspiration during the planning stage.  
> A/N: Huge thanks to [LJ]noelia_g and [LJ]scatterheart for beta, ideas and giving me a green light. They should be worshipped.

They rarely talked these days. And never about things not related to the Council.  
They were greeting each other during their errands, but never with more than just a nod.  
They seemed to grow apart and nobody noticed.  
Maybe it was because Scoobies didn't meet so often, now that everyone had their own jobs to do.  
And maybe it was because ever since Sunnydale Xander had stopped babbling about everything. Silence wasn't so unusual for him now.  
One way or another, no one was aware of the fact that their relationship wasn't the same.  
And everyday Giles wondered if it was a good thing.

 

Their relationship was toxic and they were using each other. The silence between them only seemed to confirm that. Or maybe it was just Giles who did the using and Xander was simply too broken to say 'no'.  
Something in the silence seemed to scream that Giles was also the one who did the breaking.

They never made love.  
Love was pure.  
Love was gentle.  
Love was everything they were not.

So they had sex.  
Rough and sweaty.  
And quiet.

Giles often tried to change the way they acted around each other. But every time he wanted to ask a personal question, the one that actually came out was about Xander's latest mission.  
He tried to smile, but it seemed like he wasn't able to produce anything more then a grimace.  
So he tried giving Xander love. Maybe to hush the guilt or to prove that they really had something.  
He tried gentle. It felt so strange and out of place that it was almost a relief when they switched back to pain.  
He tried kissing Xander once, because he learned a long time ago that you could express everything in one kiss.  
And Giles really wanted Xander to know all those things he couldn't say.

And Xander turned his face away, making Giles feel like a rapist.

That night Giles lost control more than usual.  
He thrust harder, held the boy's wrists tighter, bit the flesh deeper.  
Bruises were a language they both knew.  
Understanding them was a different case.

He also tried forcing Xander to talk. To get a comment, a moan.  
He wanted to hear anything. At some point he would even have welcomed a 'no'.  
But Xander never gave him more than panting and hissing.  
When Giles tried to make Xander scream, scream just for him, all he got were tears when the pain was too strong. Nothing more.  
Yet surprisingly, Xander didn't stop coming to his room. No matter how much Giles hurt him. No matter how many bruises he left on Xander's body. It seemed like he kept coming back for more.

That only proved how much Giles had hurt Xander.

 

Rupert Giles wasn't a violent man. He had left that part of himself behind long time ago.  
Nowadays he was often frustrated, annoyed or embarrassed. But never violent. And even if he was somehow possessive of his protégées, he certainly did not take pleasure out of any kind of violence.

So the logical conclusion was that the man behind the bedroom door, leaving marks on Xander's body and climaxing while tasting the boy's blood, was NOT Rupert Giles.

Those words were the only thing keeping Giles sane. Thanks to them, he was able to go to the office in the morning and do his job instead of sitting in the kitchen, drinking too much.

 

Once, somewhere at the beginning of this sick relationship, Giles had put himself together and ended everything.  
One night he simply closed the door behind Xander and decided not to open it again. He couldn't bear the guilt. He couldn't watch Xander turn into a shadow of himself.  
Especially with the knowledge that he was the one causing the change.

He managed to keep the door closed for weeks after that. He stayed deaf to the knocking. He had to turn the music on and drink himself to sleep, but he remained deaf.

Xander started to get hurt more during the patrols. Or maybe it was only Giles' imagination. After all, before, he had been convinced that all Xander's injuries were his doing.  
Maybe that wasn't true. Maybe Xander was just sloppy…

But then, Xander almost got killed. And Giles couldn't believe he came that close to losing him.  
Keeping the boy away on purpose and actually losing him were two different things.

So the first thing Giles did after Xander was released from the infirmary was to knock on the younger man's door.

He went back to what he was hiding from.  
And to his own confusion he was welcomed with a small smile.  
Like him coming to Xander was something inevitable, something you simply couldn't fight.  
Because you would lose anyway.

It hurt him, knowing that Xander decided not to fight him. He hoped that, since he was too weak to stop, maybe Xander…  
It also made him angry. He had known Xander for so long. He had watched the young man grow up. He couldn't accept the fact that the boy was allowing someone to hurt him so much.  
Even if it was Giles hurting him.  
Especially when it was Giles hurting him.

\- - -

Few years ago, back in Sunnydale, during that big Glory thing, Dawn had found out that she was in fact a green ball of energy.  
Xander remembered like it was yesterday; Dawn cutting herself to prove to herself and to everyone else that she was real.  
A year later, Buffy started sleeping with Spike to prove that she was still able to feel something.

Xander didn't approve any of that. Even more, he made it clear that what the girls had done was wrong.

He was a fool back then.

A fool who would never even try to understand that pain and pleasure were sometimes the only way of recognizing reality from a dream.  
Or a nightmare.

Because Xander's life after Sunnydale was more like a nightmare. He saw things people only see in nightmares.

Directly after Sunnydale, Xander operated on autopilot. He couldn't really recall details of that period.  
And then he cut himself during work.

It was like waking up.

Short, sharp pain brought him back. Xander watched drop of blood forming on his finger.  
And all the time this little wound was healing, Xander knew that he was alive.  
That he was real.

He can't really explain how things started with Giles. He certainly hadn't been planning this. If he had, he wouldn't have chosen Giles. Spike maybe.  
So he felt uncomfortable about bringing Giles into this at first. Giving up their friendship felt unfair when the reason he did that was so selfish.

But Giles didn't seem to mind.

Outside the bedroom, Giles started to be strictly professional. And the more professional Giles was, the more violent he became inside, the better Xander felt.

There was, of course, the guilt factor, this cruel thought at the back of his mind telling him how selfish he was. After all, Giles didn't like everything in their arrangement.  
If he did, he wouldn't try to change it. He wouldn't try to kiss Xander.

If Giles accepted the arrangement, he would know that Xander couldn't include any kind of emotion in this. He couldn't have Giles loving him and he couldn't love Giles.  
It would be a dream coming true.  
And Xander wanted real.  
Xander didn't want dreams.  
Xander was too afraid of his dreams.  
Too many of them were nightmares.


End file.
